Opening a new book to read. Staring at a blank page of a new journal. Waking up to a new day. Meeting someone for the first time. Or take the first bite of a delicious meal. All of these things come with possibilities. Still, often we miss them. Because we’re stuck in our heads overthinking, or we’re so freaking busy, being busy that we miss a precious moment that could have led to a beautiful one.
It is now 9 PM on December 31st, and I am thinking about the new year. Starting this coming year is quite different for me. I am not overthinking anything, not worried about anything or anyone. I don’t care how/what people think of me or why they think/feel the way they do about me. I am simply here at this moment, waiting for the clock to strike 12. I feel different, very different than I have ever felt. I feel a sense of peacefulness — don’t get me wrong, it’s not that my life is perfect, or I’m blissful, and everything is just great, no, not at all that’s so far from the truth.
I am working through getting clear about my life and what I want. I don’t know what I will be doing to earn an income this coming year. I don’t feel so great about myself, I feel lost, and I don’t feel very much in love with myself. But I am here writing this, and sincerely grateful to be alive. Because I am alive; I can fix all of those things and lead a fulfilling life. And yes, I may not know all that I want or need out of life, but I am clear on one thing: I would like to live the rest of my life in a fulfilling way.
For quite a few months now, I felt myself going inside. I started praying again, really praying. I became more aware of what I was thinking and feeling, and I started getting honest with myself. Focusing on me (first just a little, and then more) — the girl I have neglected for way too long, the girl I am discovering, and getting to know. I am learning about her likes and dislikes and the things that make her smile. I am being courageous and discovering HER.
It has not been easy, yet it is not difficult; it has simply been different. The uneasiness, the shame, the guilt, and the unworthiness I feel can sometimes be overwhelming. But I am forging ahead.
I am Uneasy because who am I to think that I can and should focus on myself. Shame, because maybe those who have called me selfish in the past were telling the truth because I’m being selfish here, aren’t I? Guilty because there are people in my life whom I love and care about tremendously, but yet I am choosing to focus on myself and unworthy because I have never felt worthy enough to focus on me and to make me happy, or to make me feel safe and loved. It has always been about one person or another but never about me. This time it is about me, and just typing, “this time, it is about me,” I feel like a badass; I feel brave, and something deep within me smiled.
2021 has been such a teaching year for me; it was painful. This year has been filled with hurt and lessons; doubt and loneliness, loss and fear, strength and weaknesses. Unbearable days, sleepless nights, and so many tears, but I survived, and I am here hours away from a new year.
Tonight I write to encourage and inspire you to FOCUS on you this coming year, get to know who you are, what you like, what you love, what you don’t like, what makes you happy, what makes you smile, and what gives you peace and contentment. All of those things and so much more because you deserve it and are worthy of it. I believe we are meant to know ourselves and love ourselves with the same energy and commitment; we love all the people we now love and all that we’ve loved at some point in our lives.
So my Dahlings cheers to the New Year. I’m wishing you a beautiful 2022. I pray it will be the year you want. I pray you to embrace all of it, the beauty, the lessons, the joy, the peace, etc. But most of all, I pray that it is a year of Discovery — the year you discover yourself at your core and love every bit of the journey.
To be continued….